Published 2 October 2009

The Masthead

Editor-in-Chief: James Wang

Read this issue’s articles!

Change. It started out with change. The yearning for something different is what drove this former UC Berkeley student to transfer out here to our dear college in the woods. Change was the theme of my personal transition to Dartmouth. And change has quickly become the special theme of the ‘13s.

My change was a personal change, the result of being uprooted and transplanted to a place far away from what I knew well. For some of you, home is much closer than mine is. For others, the move has been even more of a geographical displacement. No matter where you come from, however, what you’ll find here will be very different from what you knew before.

But even as you go through this inevitable disorientation, Dartmouth herself is in the midst of a great change. We have a new President of the College, who, as he proclaimed, is a ‘13 just like all of you. We are heading into the aftermath of a financial crisis that has left higher-education coffers drained. And in the midst of all this, our national culture—and our campus culture—is returning to its roots in public service and great aspirations. You can’t avoid it. The ‘13 class will be stuck with more change (of the non-monetary persuasion) than any other class year in recent memory.

As if figuring out where all the dorms and dining halls wasn’t enough already.

Yet, despite all of these changes, so many things at Dartmouth, good and bad, remain exactly the same.

In this special first-year issue for the ‘13s, we will have much to say about what you’ll find here, and both what you should, and should not be doing in your time at Dartmouth. We’ll attempt to share the hard-earned fruits of our wisdom—even while knowing that you’ll probably all ignore half of what we say anyway.

We’ll share with you our list of professors you shouldn’t leave Dartmouth without taking a course with. We’ll tell you all about the sights and sounds you should avail yourself to while you’re here. And we’ll even give you a bit of a primer into the time-honored rules of pong.

In the midst of this, however, we’ll also give you a more sobering look at the dark underbelly of Dartmouth’s special subculture—and its tragic results with one of our featured articles on sexual assault. It’s a topic you’ll find the Free Press will revisit again and again, even though we would prefer to have the issue disappear forever into the annals of Dartmouth’s stained history.

Sex at Dartmouth is not just about sexual assault, however. As anyone who has taken a cursory look at Frat Row knows, the hook up scene at Dartmouth is alive and very well. But take it from someone who has a point of comparison with another college/university—Dartmouth’s hook-up culture is far from average. Fortunately for our dear readers, we’ve also included an article to help you all know what to expect and make your own informed choices.

Our list of articles is far from all-inclusive. We could not have possibly included everything you need to know about making your way through these four years within these few pages. However, we hope that the articles that we have included will provide you with a decent starting point.

In my time here, I’ve encountered a spectrum of feelings about the College. Some have loved it as much as you thought everyone loved it after DOC trips. Some have hated it with a passion and never for a moment doubted that their lives would be far happier if they could only get away from this place. Many others fall somewhere in the middle.

No matter what each of our feelings are towards Dartmouth, one thing that we all have in common is that our Dartmouth Experience will change and has changed us all a great deal. In the end, I personally feel we will have become far better people as a result of the time that we have all spent here.

For me, this will be my last year at Dartmouth. My time walking these familiar steps, from Collis, the Hop, Dartmouth Hall, and heck, all the way to McLaughlin, will be coming to an end—just as your steps here are just beginning.

Despite all the times I’ve prattled on about change in this editorial (I didn’t care to count), I won’t actually be around to see what changes all of you will undergo, and what changes you will bring to this campus by the end of your four years.

Although this is something I regret I won’t be able to see, I nonetheless take heart in one thing: I believe the change in the end will be a change for the better.

I believe in the gradual betterment of Dartmouth as we leave our most sullied traditions behind. I believe in what I’ve seen from President Kim, and his determination to turn Dartmouth back towards the public good. And even though I hardly know all of you, I believe in you, the class of 2013. And so, I’ll end with this one request. Leave your mark, and make those of us who have come and gone even prouder to have come.

Do This, Don’t Do That

Yes, we were once freshmen. And not only were we once the average freshmen, we were the ideal prototypical freshmen—drinking too much, studying too little, in some fruitless attempt to find our not-so-lost selves. So, as two people that lived life to its fullest (and hell, we still make freshmen mistakes), we thought that we would impart some “wisdom” from both our and our friends’ freshman careers.

TO DO

Rush the field during homecoming. Goddamnit, just do it.

Play pong. Give it a shot, even if you hate beer, drinking games, frat basements, plastic cups, and you lack any coordination.

Wake up at 9 AM on a Saturday morning of a holiday weekend to start drinking again. We promise, as painful as it is to get up, it’s totally worth it.

Play pong before Wednesday night meetings—houses might be closed during meetings, but the pre-meetings scene can be clutch.

Take shots while the upperclassmen are in meetings. Then go out and play pong again.

Play soccer in the rain.

Make friends with your custodians. We promise, they are some of the most important people on this campus.

Make friends with S&S officers. Trust us, they are also some of the most important people on this campus.

Take a Geography class. And an Art History class.

Take a class for the sole reason that you heard the professor was good, regardless of subject matter.

Use your freshman seminar to fulfill a distrib, not to explore a possible major.

Get to know your Dean.

Go out on a Tuesday night.

Go to the freshman snowball fight, even if it is in the middle of finals and you’re pulling an all-nighter and have a final at 8 AM.

Make out with as many people as you can in a night.

Wear crazy clothing out.

Make a slip and slide down the front lawn of Dartmouth Hall.

Pull an all-nighter in Novack. It’s an experience that you will never forget.

Try to take afternoon drill. Morning drill is very hard to sit through still drunk.

Make legitimate friends with those people in basements. We promise, they are more than just dudes with beer.

Stay in on a Saturday night. Watch a movie or spend legitimate time with someone you’re only an acquaintance with. You’ll get to know them better.

Work out in the winter; it will make you happier. Take a skiing P.E. Your instructors and patrollers are good people.

Take a walk through the snowfall at night. It’s a surreal experience.

Swim in the river. Naked, if you’re up for it.

Tell S&S that you are just stumbling because of the heels you are wearing. ( If you’re a guy, this goes on the don’t list.)

Pre-game with freshmen. Its one of the most important freshman bonding times.

Relax. Enjoy and embrace being a freshman. It is something nearly all of us miss.

Befriend townies.

Get a cushy library job.

Do something with the DOC. Anything. Just give it a shot.

Keep your laptop somewhere it can’t be peed on during the night. And lock your door on holiday weekends.

Write for the DFP.

NOT TO DO

End up naked on your common room floor.

When your friends hand your blacked-out, naked self some clothing, try to put the pajama pants on over your head. No matter how hard you try, they simply won’t go on that way.

Get so drunk that you miss the freshman sweep during Homecoming.

Get so drunk that you miss the bonfire.

Get so drunk that you don’t remember the bonfire.

Get so drunk that you boot and then pass out promptly after the bonfire and miss the Friday of your first Holiday weekend.

Hook up with too many people in the same house. They do talk.

Leave your underwear and ID at the river. When they are found together, that will be hard to explain.

Make the walk of shame home the morning after a formal in your formal dress. Or at least try to time it so that you walk back when everyone else is in a class, not when they are walking to class. Or try to borrow your date’s clothes—much better idea.

Pre-game a formal. Bbbbaaaadddddd idea.

Steal things and get caught.

Talk about how much you had to drink the night before. Honestly, we just don’t care. We’ll tolerate it slightly more than discussion of SAT scores, but either way, you’re bound to be labeled a tool.

Forget to wash your feet after a night at Psi U.

Forget to call your parents; they actually do care. And they might call S&S to check in on you if they get scared.

Trust Dick’s house.

Forget to check-in. You get fined!

Write for the Review. Or plagiarize. Both seriously diminish people’s respect for you.

Deny being drunk to S&S if you are dressed ludicrously for a theme party, reek of the “drink of choice” you spilled on yourself, or if you have a barely conscious friend attached to and hanging to your arm.

Say the word “ociffer”. Ever. The odds of your drunken self letting it slip to an officer… Well it’s just not worth the risk.

Ever even think about pulling a double all-nighter.

When an officer gracefully gives you the key you left in your door, after telling you to turn down the music and put the booze away, take more than five tries getting said key into your pocket.

Get so drunk you wake up with questions about “that fight you got in last night.” It sucks to have enemies at the places you go to get drunk. It sucks more when you don’t know who they are.

Try, in front of 300 people, that skateboard trick you suck at.

Scream, “Oh my God, I’m dying out my face,” when you fail at aforementioned skateboard trick and break your nose.

Send emails to important faculty and administrators while trashed.

Argue with your Dean about how the drug and alcohol policy doesn’t reflect students’ partying habits when trying to get your punishment reduced. Avoid, “C’mon, you’re telling me you didn’t do any of this in college?” and “Seriously lady, you’ve got no idea what goes on here.”

Don’t go to a class if you’re just going to fall asleep. Especially if you have a tendency to go slack when you pass out, and if there’s a chance you’ll slam your face into your laptop when you nod off.

Start calling your roommate pledge just because he won’t drink the warm Zhenka without a chaser. In general, try not to piss off roomies too much. Remember, when you leave the room, your toothbrush is still in the bathroom and you can’t protect it.

Start calling people by their first initials. Alright? Just don’t. It’s not cute. It’s fuckin’ lame.

Try to be the best ’13 pong player. You want to be skilled and impressive, not an alcoholic.

DO make use of the Paddock Music Library, there is some great music to be found there if you just look.

DO use the wood, jewelry and ceramic studios, they are there for us to use and not as expensive as you might think. What other opportunity do you have to play with gooey substances, sharp machinery and the ever interesting blow torch. In the process you might just make yourself a few useful things.

DO go to movies at the hop. Maybe you missed a few movies you were dying to see during last school year, or maybe you want to watch some oldies but goodies. Movies at the hop run the gamut from the classic to more contemporary.

DO check out some of our local restaurants and coffee houses. The food is great and the atmosphere can help you relax and get rid of some stress. If you happen to become as addicted to Dirt Cowboy as the rest of us, be prepared Starbucks will never suffice again.

DO check out student run shows, such as the AREA art show, Acapella performances, student theatre productions and student dance performances. A lot of these shows offer great entertainment for a low price.

DON’T narrow your entire existence to campus life and campus activities there is fun to be had just right across the street in Hanover.

DON’T forget there are other places to study besides the library stacks. There are lots of hidden places on campus and off campus that are great to study in for a couple of hours.

DON’T be that person studying in public who glares at or shushes everyone around them. When you study in public areas that are not designated, as quiet places you are running the risk that you will encounter some noise so don’t be a jackass, they have just as much of a right to be there as you do.

DON’T be that irritating person that leaves their laundry in the laundry room for hours or days after it is finished. The laundry room is communal and the ratio of washers and dryers to residents is over 20 people to every single set of washers and dryers. It is a huge pain to have to constantly move peoples’ things because you need to wash or dry your clothes, not to mention kind of awkward. You don’t want me touching your underwear and I don’t want to touch it either.

There would be no great classes without great teachers. The following is a listing, in no particular order, of just a few of the accomplished professors at Dartmouth College. We do not claim that this is an exhaustive list—unfortunately, no single person on our staff has studied under every professor. And we are not so arrogant to claim that these are the “best” professors. But they are damn good ones—and we’ll challenge anyone who says otherwise.

Professor Susan Ackerman
Chair of the Religion Department

As Professor Ackerman lectures on the prophets of the Hebrew Bible, her voice loud and clear, her carefully chosen words imbued with academic inspiration, you might think she is a prophet herself—such is her power over the classroom. Ackerman would undoubtedly reject this mixing of biblical scholarship and religiosity and caution her students to study more closely the nature of prophet-hood and prophecy. Her students, however, can’t help but think that this extremely knowledgeable and enthusiastic professor of Religion is somehow exalted.

Professor Terry Osborne
Adjunct Senior Lecturer in English and Environmental Studies

The creator of what he refers to as “the intimate education,” Professor Terry Osborn firmly believes that there is more to teaching than relaying the pertinent information of the course to his students. He instead strives to allow for individual interactions between himself and each of the members of his class. Through these interactions, Professor Osborn gets to know who his students are, not just how well they can write an expository essay, and the students have the privilege of discovering what an interesting and talented professor they have for the term. Professor Osborn’s focus is on environmental and ecological literature, and he has personal relationships with some well known authors of ecological writing. One of them, Terry Tempest Williams, actually came to Dartmouth to participate in a fascinating discussion with each of his classes recently.

Professor George Edmondson
Assistant Professor of English

Excited about the romantic tales of the Middle Ages? Or worried about what could be dry and somber lectures about equally dry and somber times? However you feel about medieval English, you’ll quickly discover that Professor Edmondson’s course on the subject is the most colorful way to get into the so-called “dark ages”: a misnomer that discredits the importance and beauty of medieval literature. Professor Edmondson shines a light on this era and engages the class in intense discussion. By asking the right questions, Edmonson facilitates both psychoanalysis of the texts and conversations about gender, language, history, government, religion, and more. His wit, liveliness, passion for literature, and genuine interest in students’ opinions make for a superb classroom experience. Professor Edmondson really listens to students, and is often available for discussions about papers. His commentary and criticism are constructive and insightful. Plus, he really cares about the improvement of his students’ writing. Thanks to Edmondson, students feel prepared for more upper level English classes. And even if medieval literature just isn’t for you, be sure to check out Edmonson’s other classes, including those on literary theory.

Professor Laura Conkey
Associate Professor of Geography

Professor Laura Conkey is more than an instructor to her students. Her classes, mostly seminar in format, are often spent not in reiteration of information covered in the reading done for the class, but instead in discussions concerning the students’ personal reactions to the material and its application to their lives and experiences. One takes away from her class a sense of growth, not just in factual knowledge, but in one’s comprehension of one’s place in the world. In addition, she is known to have her class out to her beautiful ranch in Lyme, New Hampshire for a dinner discussion, as well as to the Hanover Inn for an x-hour over lunch.

Professor Richard Ned Lebow
James O. Freedman Presidential Professor of Government

Govy majors, don’t miss Government 5 with this professor, this fall. Lebow is one of the most respected and prolific government professors at Dartmouth, and he isn’t going to be on campus often in the next few years. If you’re lucky enough to get into a class taught by him, Lebow’s incredibly rich lectures will keep you at the edge of your seat. Each lesson is accompanied by at least one zany story or anecdote that doesn’t merely entertain, but serves to drive his point home. You will appreciate the depth of perspective he provides in every class, masterfully weaving history, psychology, and IR theory together to illuminate the subject at hand.

Professor Benjamin Valentino
Associate Professor of Government

A young up-and-comer in the Government Department, Valentino offers IR-track classes that explore intricate theories and issues with rare clarity. He’s running the Honors Program this year and not offering courses, but this just means you’ve got a year to take the pre-requisites and look forward to International Security (53) and Genocide and Mass Killings (85.16). Valentino’s brilliance is his ability to make difficult subject matters graspable, while still presenting a full and intellectually challenging course load. He’s also extraordinarily knowledgeable and approachable outside of class, so take advantage of his ability and willingness to explain when you a take a course with him.

Professor Samuel J. Velez
Associate Professor of Neurobiology

One of the most loved professors in the biology department, Professor Velez is as energetic as he is knowledgeable. And he is very knowledgeable. It is true that his exams are among the most challenging in the department. However, Professor Velez’s clear and detailed lectures make difficult material more than manageable. Most importantly, the information one learns from his class will fascinate even the most cynical humanities major.

Professor Mary K. Coffey
Assistant Professor of Art History

Young, enthusiastic, and bespectacled in super hip mod glasses, Professor Coffey is probably one of the cooler teachers you’ll have in your Dartmouth career. Whether lecturing an auditorium-packed introductory art survey or leading a discussion seminar-style, she commands attention with her eloquence, organization, and sophistication. Coffey cares about her students, ready to blitz them in depth responses to their last minute exam worries and available during office hours to chat with her devoted fan base. If you’re an Art History major, get with the program and sign up for a Coffey class toute suite. If you’re not, do the same—and get rid of that art requirement in style.

Professor Michael Bronski
Visiting Lecturer in Women’s and Gender Studies

Michael Bronski is an amazing professor. His courses tend to be discussion oriented, with the classes conducted in a circle so you get to face each other. They usually get quite intimate. His topics tend to revolve around contemporary queer/GLBT issues and pop culture, which may be a neat summary, but hardly does justice to the depth of material covered. He consciously sets up times that he is available to meet with students, and people sign up to meet him. He is an extremely intelligent, patient, and kind man. Those who take his courses all agree that he is wonderful.

People hook up at Dartmouth. People also don’t hook up at Dartmouth. The latter is something that too many people here ignore. If there’s one piece of advice I want to bestow upon you fresh-faced ‘13s, it’s that it is ultimately up to you to decide your Dartmouth experience, and that includes what you make of the “hook-up culture” that pervades the Greek system here.

It’s Complicated

Let’s step back for a moment. What does “hooking up” mean really? One ’11 sorority member speaks truth: “‘Hooking up’ is a ubiquitous and generally undefined word that leads to a LOT of confusion. It should generally be interpreted as any kind of remotely sexual action.” So “hooking up” can translate to anything from making out at a dance party to having sex on the green.

But the complexity and the problems of the Dartmouth hook-up culture involve more than just the ambiguity surrounding the term “hook-up.” The Greek system—and the social scene that it provides—creates an atmosphere that strongly encourages hooking up. More bluntly, it’s a recipe for sex: a lot of drunk, hormonal, and stressed boys and girls herded into a dimly lit basement mingling over some pong, booze, and grinding. This sort of environment and interaction generates some sex-positivist opportunities (pro’s!), but is not without its anti-feminist, anti-relationship social constructions (con’s!).

The Hooking-Upside

You can hook up if you want to and go however far you are willing to go. People are generally supportive of your boundaries, but be sure to make them clear up front. It’s also completely normal and accepted to not hook up, if it’s not your thing. “I think it’s easy to remain a virgin here, if you consciously and soberly choose so. I personally have never had a case where somebody has forced himself upon me, but granted, I’ve heard of other people’s stories of that happening…” states an unaffiliated ‘12 girl.

But if you do want to go all the way (or part of the way), the Sexperts are a great campus resource that you should definitely utilize. “The Sexperts is a student group that teaches strategies and gives ideas for how to increase your enjoyment of sexual experiences in healthy, safe ways. Even if you don’t go to their workshops, the presence of the group is felt throughout campus through its open, positive, progressive attitude about sex,” explains an ’11 affiliated female. Think of the Sexperts as an informative army wielding swords of rubber dildos for condom demonstrations and preaching sex education to the ignorant and horny, all under the unifying banner of “consensual sex is HOT.” Also, be sure to keep in mind: “There are other contraceptives available at Dick’s House Pharmacy, including Plan B and birth control,” says the same ’11 affiliated female who knows a lot about sex, or at least the resources that are available for you on campus.

Undeniably, there are hook-up opportunities that you can take advantage of if you want to have sex without the long-term relationship that usually accompanies it. Or as one unaffiliated ’12 female so eloquently puts it, “You can pretty much get some whenever you want.” Just don’t expect too much romance. After explaining his failed efforts to find a girlfriend and blaming Dartmouth, Dartmouth girls, and his lack of trying as the root of his problems, one ’11 fraternity brother apathetically states his “view of Dartmouth sex would currently have to involve Keystone and little romance.”

Though even with that unfortunate tale, there still does exist the potential for hook-ups to result in relationships. However, that is generally the exception and not the rule because relationships are basically nonexistent at Dartmouth, which leads me to the cons of the Dartmouth hook-up culture.

The Sexually Transmitted Downside

Maybe this is stating the obvious but a culture that permits promiscuous hooking up makes the cultivation of meaningful long-term relationships virtually impossible. “If you’re looking for a relationship, [Dartmouth] is not the right place. You can’t casually date. There is no such thing as casual dating at Dartmouth. In general, the norm is hooking up. People aren’t ever looking for relationships, they’re looking for hook ups, at least for the guys,” says one unaffiliated ’12 female. She highlights the dichotomy of extremes that constitutes the Dartmouth hook up culture—either you’re randomly hooking up (norm) or you’re committed in a solid, long-term relationship (exception), but there really isn’t any room for casual dating—like, say, an actual date to The Nugget Movie Theater rounded off with a dinner at Molly’s.

Students have also expressed dissatisfaction with the hook up culture itself. One experienced and affiliated ’11 sorority member delves into the topic: “I would say that while hooking up may seem to be the norm at Dartmouth, and while there definitely is pressure to do so in terms of how Greek houses interact with each other, I don’t think I’ve witnessed many people who are actually satisfied with the hook up lifestyle in the end. I know personally that when I used to be single and into hooking up, I quickly realized that I wasn’t very happy with myself and the choices I had been making, because what I really wanted was real connection with other people, which hooking up (for the most part) didn’t really lead to.”

She goes on further to comment on how random hooks up are actually more complicated than they might seem. “It seemed to make things a lot more complicated, because nothing is ever really “no strings attached”—[and] even if the two people directly involved think so, the ex-girlfriend or the ex-hook up is not going to be so nonchalant about it, necessarily, for example.” Having an intimate relationship with someone changes the way you see and feel about him or her. Not to mention the awkward encounters you will have to deal with outside the context of the hook-up, say in class the next day or at the library or in line at FoCo—not fun if your maturity level can’t handle it.

One serious offense of the Dartmouth hook-up culture is the perverted social conventions that are constructed, accepted, normalized, and engrained into the lifestyle mentality of Dartmouth students. One of these conventions is the objectification of women and the unnecessary pressure to hook up. “The frat scene definitely feels conducive to sex. The rate of sexual activity is probably much lower than what is generally perceived, but speaking from a girl’s standpoint, I sometimes feel like a sexual object in the frat basement. The good news is if you want to hook up you certainly can. The bad news is you might feel pressure to hook up, regardless of your gender,” says one ’11 female. Furthermore, the hook up culture is a male-dominated system that subjugates women to the power of men. As one ’12 girl expresses, “The hook up culture is male dominated because they dictate the standards, because they’re the ones who pick and choose—they decide. If a girl doesn’t meet their expectations, they move on. The girl is just left behind, whereas the guy can do whatever he wants and bang whoever he wants to. He can move on and hook up with as many girls as he wants as long as he gets his expectations met.”

She further recounts her personal experiences with this problem: “Guys have an expectation of sex on the first hook up and when they don’t get it, they’re done. They just leave. It’s based on the kind of mentality they have: if they want to have sex, they can, it’s really easy for them.”

The Wisdom of Your Sexy Elders

So you’ve gotten a little taste of the Hook-Up Culture, but it’s definitely not all-inclusive. Hear what some of you sexy elders have to say:

It’s more of that vibe you give off intentionally, so be careful how much you drink.”

“You have to take care of yourself because no one else will.”

“Don’t hook up with total strangers [you’ve] just met because you won’t know who you’re getting involved with or what you’re getting yourself into, and you might get an STI.

“Don’t stay with boy/girlfriends from home! Invest in life here, you don’t want to spend 4 years on the phone and if it’s meant to be, you’ll get together after college.”

“Don’t hook up with hallmates or teammates. Too complicated.”

“Always use a condom, and be careful at dance parties.”

“Make sure you go out with a group of friends, and have an idea of whether you’re going home with them.”

“Watch out for playas.”

“Don’t feel pressured to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“Don’t do anything you’re not going to want to think about the next day.”

“Don’t ever hook up with someone for self-validation or to prove your self-worth. It’s not worth it.”

Your participation in Dartmouth’s unique social scene will require an assessment/evaluation of the positive and negative aspects. Ultimately, you have to determine for yourself, according to your own value system, how you fit into this socially constructed framework. Do what you want, just play it safe, do it for the right reasons, and have fun.

Perhaps the Most Dangerous Games

I was fortunate enough to have trip leaders that taught my trippees and me to play pong. Not every ‘13 will be as lucky. Lucky is, however, a relative term. My first night on campus consisted of a pong reunion. Once I, a relatively naïve freshman who did not have the luxury of knowing anything about pong ahead of time (through an older sibling, Dimensions host, older friend, etc), was able to finally grasp the rules on the fateful Monday night, it was time for me to promptly go home, boot a little, and pass out.

We at the Free Press thought that it might be useful for you all to have a slightly better understanding of pong than we did going into the game. Remember though, knowing the rules and knowing how to play are two different things. Be patient, eventually it will all make sense. Until then, use those brains that got you into this fabulous Ivy League institution for something useful: studying pong rules.

The history of pong is unclear. There is no official story; however, in combining various house legends a brief history of pong unravels itself. Pong started in the fifties as slam pong with two cups. The paddles had handles and the game was much faster. Then, as Dartmouth College began to accommodate women, it was only appropriate that Dartmouth’s drinking game changed as well. Women did not enjoy the fast-paced two-cup pong game and the more arched variety began to become popular. Starting in the early eighties houses developed their own games such as tree, ship, and death.

Pong rules vary house by house. However, there are a few basic concepts that are universal on this campus.

The Paddle

The pong paddle is nothing more than a regular ping-pong paddle with the handle broken off. People break the handles off in different ways. My favorite method is holding the paddle on a flat surface (i.e. the benches that line various basements) with the handle hanging off and then stepping off the handle, breaking it just at the jointing. People have various preferences based on the amount of sand paper that they like on the paddle’s face. Some people enjoy brand new paddles while others enjoy more well-worn paddles. But there does seem to be a consensus on the fact that a paddle without any sand paper is all-bad. Paddles over time start to split—try to avoid playing with a split paddle. They are just no good.

The Ball

Balls on this campus are pretty generic. When looking for a ball look in crevices, cupboards, under tables, in the ceiling, basically anywhere bizarre where members of the house will brilliantly think of hiding the ball. In truth, most of the time, the hiding spots are pretty obvious. Most pong players are willing to play with just about anything that is not cracked or broken. A pong ball that is broken will start to bounce oddly. Balls and cracks tend to go hand in hand at the end of the night. More often than not, a broken pong ball is lit on fire and then thrown onto the ground. Don’t worry, the fire self-exterminates.

The Table

Pong tables vary in size house by house. Methods of construction are also variable as some houses build in the legs on their tables and others opt for the more economical version- stolen trash cans from dorms or a slightly more upscale saw horse contraption. Dividers (the “net”) vary as well—they can include wood, broom handles, or even, occasionally, people (not recommended, but hilarious if tried… passed out people serve best—they move the least).

The Game

Typically, two teams of two participate in the game, one at either side of the table. Each team tries to make the other team drink their entire formation (see below) through a series of hits and sinks. There are often two games played in a game of pong- the game on the table and the game between two perhaps already drunk and definitely sexually frustrated college students as one partner will try, sometimes fruitlessly, to win more than just the game of pong.

The Formation

Formations vary by house and game. Generally they consist of 8 oz plastic cups filled about 5/6 of the way full with Keystone Light. A game of shrub is seven cups; a game of tree is eleven cups. One places each formation in the center of each end of the table, determined by sight, markings on the table, or an arms length measurement. Shrub and tree are the two most common games on campus. Each is set up with the cup or two in the middle of the last row of the formation, placed set up a pong paddle’s width from the back of the table, with the stem behind it and the rest of the formation in front.

The Serve

Now that we have covered equipment and set up, it is time to address the art of play… pong play. How a serve is determined varies house by house, some houses serve Beirut-style to determine which team serves. In this manner, each team takes turns throwing the ball. When one team misses the cups and their opponent had hit the cups, the “loser” serves. At other houses where pong is considered more of a “gentleman’s game” one team will just say “we’ll go first.” There are various styles of serves, but as a freshman you will most likely just start with the generic bounce, and serve the ball to the opponent in the opposite corner of the table. And with the serve, the game begins. There are a few catches with the serve. Generally, you have three tries to hit the table. If you miss three times, drink a half. If you hit the opponents’ cups on a serve, drink a half and serve again. If you sink the opponents’ cups, depending on the house, you will drink a half or whole and serve again.

The Play

Pong play then continues, serve to serve. Each partner takes turns hitting the ball until: one, a cup is hit or two, the ball is not hit because someone missed the ball (oh! embarrassing!) or because the ball missed the table. If the ball hits a cup and you don’t save it, drink a half and replace the cup. If the ball sinks (lands inside of) the cup, you drink half and your partner drinks half and toss the cup…preferably in a trash can but in the state of disrepair that most Dartmouth basements exist in, the floor serves as a functioning trash can as well. If the ball misses the table, the person who hit the bad shot serves. If you miss the ball you serve. Play continues to alternate hit to hit, partner to partner, until the game is stopped for one of two reasons: either someone has to serve or drink.

The Hit

ARCH! ARCH! ARCH! That’s all I have to say. Hit high. Be high. If your ball is low, lows vary house by house, your opponents will call your ball low and you will have to serve again.

The Save

The save is the one time where you can hit a ball low in a return. A save is when a ball hits the cups and you hit the ball back, essentially saving your team from drinking. The save must hit the other side of the table. Save rules vary house by house, see below for more detail.

Social

A variant of pong, normally played when there are an odd number of people in a basement and the normal pong scene is simply not appropriate. Follows generic pong rules except all rules are more lax. Each person plays for themselves with their own formation and paddle. The point is not only to hit all of your multiple opponents cups but also to just keep the ball going. Slight variation- in social, often times, if the ball misses the table you can slam it into a player. If this happens, then the hit person has to drink a half. However, if they catch the ball the “hitter” has to drink a half.

Welcome to Dartmouth. Now that you’ve all had so much time to form impressions of the campus, here’s the best and the worst of Dartmouth.

The Best

Office of Admissions

Quite possibly one of the best ways to impact Dartmouth. Guiding tours does wonders for public speaking skills. Although the exact amount of influence you have is debatable, the Senior Interviewer program is one of the most intriguing jobs on campus—a true gem in the bureaucratic mess that is Dartmouth.

Departmental Hiring Committees

Meet and possibly interview new professors; particularly beneficial if you’re interested in pursuing a career in high education. However, your ability to get involved with these and the degree to which your input is considered, if at all, depends on the department.

Civic Skills Training

Particularly if you’re interested in public policy or non-profits, this program is for you. Even if you are still figuring out your career path, still do it. If selected, you go to Washington D.C. for about a week with other Dartmouth students. There, you are drilled everyday about how to be the best intern you can be, the basics of how the public policy world works, and what Dartmouth alum speakers discussed in their presentation to your group—not to mention that you also learn how to write press releases and policy briefs, the latter which you submit to a congressman or senator of your choice. You also get to eat some extremely delicious food over the course of the week.

The Hopkins Center

Even the least jaded activists need to take some time off. From the Dartmouth Film Series to the student workshops (jewelry, woodshop, and pottery studios) to amazing performing arts opportunities, this should be on everyone’s “take advantage of before graduating” list. None of this is as expensive as you might think.

Student-run Shows

The AREA art show, Acapella performances, student theatre productions, and student dance performances are always a lot of fun. Plus, they’re very inexpensive, and when they aren’t, they’re usually free.

Paddock Music Library

While you’re making your jewelry/chair/ceramics at the Hop, do check out the variety of music at the Paddock Music Library. There is some great music to be found there if you take the time to look.

Local restaurants and coffee houses

The atmosphere off campus—even if it’s not far from campus—can help you relax and get rid of some stress. Plus, a lot of the food is delicious. If you happen to become as addicted to Dirt Cowboy as the rest of us, be prepared for Starbucks to never suffice again.

The Worst

Apathy/ignorance

Self explanatory and a mass pandemic. The question is: is this better or worse than the below? People who claim/pretend/think that they “get diversity” but really don’t – Just because someone is of a certain ethnicity/gender/sexuality/religion/ability doesn’t mean that he or she involved in that community. And if you are of a certain “historically underrepresented group,” you don’t need to be the president of an organization or the community intern to prove that you understand diversity, so long as you don’t ignore your heritage.

Green Key Society

While I understand its traditional value, it’s devolved into quite possibly one of the most useless groups ever. To this day, I’m still meeting people who were purportedly in my Green Key delegation, and I’ve never seen them before. Ever.

Getting stuck in the Dartmouth “bubble”

Don’t narrow your entire existence to campus life and campus activities. There’s fun to be had right across the street in Hanover. Make some time to get off campus one day or weekend with friends—whether that be in Boston, New York, or Montreal. This is especially good if you’re new to New England, since New England has a lot of interesting, diverse places to visit.

Meetings

Ever consider that this influx of programming and student organizations is actually keeping us from actually getting anything done?

Study outside of the Stacks

There are other places to study besides the library stacks. Find some of the hidden places on and off campus that are great study locations for a couple of hours. However, don’t be that person who finds a public place to study (like B&N café) who glares and shushes everyone around them. That’s not cool.

Leaving laundry in the laundry room

Also don’t be that person who leaves their laundry in the laundry room for hours or days after its finished. Remember, the laundry room is communal, and the ratio of washers and dryers to residents is over 20 people to every single set of washers and dryers. Plus, you probably don’t want other people to touch your underwear—and we don’t want to touch it either.

The Jury’s Still Out

Palaeopitus Senior Society

What do you get when you put a group of twenty “leaders” from all over the Dartmouth campus in one room with the support and open pockets of the administration? General chaos and a lack of productivity.

The Senior Thesis

Yes, you’ll have a true culminating experience, get to know a professor really well, and can get access to school funds to do what you want (even if that’s hanging out in strip clubs in San Francisco and interviewing sex workers!). But don’t do it unless you’re really excited about your topic and are willing to sign over your ability to enjoy your senior year.