’ll bet that there are actually a lot more queers than we think on campus. Sure, some of them are out, but what about the ones in the closet, or the ones questioning their sexuality? Like pretty much any place in the U.S., Dartmouth probably has quite a few students who have or are questioning their sexuality. Sometimes they’re in this position for various reasons, but often background, age, gender, or upbringing discourages them from being more honestly open about exploring their sexuality. For the questioners and others who are curious, this article’s for you.

To the questioners out there, you’re probably wondering whether to come out, whether you’re ready to come out, or hell, if you even need to “come out.” You’ve probably obsessed over this question, and perhaps you may have obsessed over the question of who you actually like at all. Guys or girls? Guys and girls? Transmen? Transwomen?

Let’s say you’re attracted to one or more sex that’s not officially part of your self-declared/self-prescribed sexual orientation, but you may be reluctant to incorporate that into your sexual orientation, as your reputation may go down the tube. Worse yet, if you hook up with guys and girls and flip flop with your self-declared sexual orientation, you might be labeled as that “really confused kid” at best, or that “nympho with multiple unheard of STDs” at worst. Not that there’s actually anything wrong with nymphos, but that’s not exactly the label you deserve—especially when you need to feel comfortable exploring your sexuality.

Questioning is a bitch. Worrying about other people’s judgments is even more of a bitch though. You know what? Fuck reputation. If you’re single/not monogamous, you should hook up with that cute guy you met from your geography class, and then, if you want to, hook up with that girl you met at Panarchy last week (if you haven’t already, perhaps discreetly). If you really wanted to, you could hook up with them for shits and giggles even if you’re not attracted to them, if the other person feels similarly (the drama from it sucks otherwise).

Might you still be wondering what your sexual orientation is? Perhaps. However, hooking up with people because you’re interested in them is the best way to get a sense of your sexual orientation. The best part of doing this will be if you’re able to simply let go of pegging yourself to any sexual orientation, and hook up with people according to whether you like them, not whether they’re a certain sex or gender. You’re not actually flip-flopping, because what are you flip-flopping over? When you’re questioning your sexuality, or even if you might not be, freeing yourself of the obligations of sexual orientation allows you to consider someone attractive who normally wouldn’t be in your group of “people I could potentially tap”.

Sexual orientation labels only create categories that we are compelled to abide by, and make us feel guilty or embarrassed when we stray from them. People constantly judge and create labels for us already, so there is no reason to create any labels to reinforce those judgments or to confine ourselves, especially if we are unsure, and especially if it is about matters pertaining to sexuality.

If you’re not buying this whole “label-less” argument and need to declare some sort of label for yourself, consider your sexuality in a different way. Or maybe you feel that your reputation would be tarnished if you started dating outside your self-declared/self-prescribed sexual orientation. For the former argument, being temporarily label-less allows yourself to explore your sexuality without boundaries, which eventually leads you to a concrete sexual orientation. If you want an exact sexual orientation right now, well, you’re just impatient. Stop being impatient. You’ll get a better idea of it soon.

If you’re worried about your reputation, keep in mind that more and more areas of the United States are becoming more accepting of LGBT. Dartmouth, for one, is now fairly open to LGBT. It’s not the 80s here, after all, when our lovely Dartmouth ‘81 Dinesh D’Souza was outing gay students in a hostile environment. Really, to most people, not being straight doesn’t change their perception of you. If you have plans to be in a conservative part of the U.S. though, I sympathize. It’d still be hard to even so much as wave a rainbow flag in some places. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t stop what you do in the bedroom. If you strongly feel attracted to someone, in most places there are ways to pursue your interests without receiving backlash from the community.

The most important aspect of coming out is that more likely than not, most of your friends will support you. To them you’re a friend, not a queer. Others in the community who also know you will support you too, and some people who were previously hesitant about queers may change their perceptions when they know that you are queer. In changing people’s perceptions of LGBT, the more people who are openly queer, the better.

The last thing I’d like to mention is this: just because you’re a guy attracted to a man or two doesn’t make you gay or bisexual, and the same applies for women attracted to other women. It’s not something that’s talked about frequently, but every once in a while you’re attracted to someone outside of your presumed sexual orientation, and that’s okay. There’s no need to necessarily break down your own sexual orientation because of that, or feel guilty or weird about it. It’d be crazy if your brain were wired so that you were attracted to only one gender—what you think and feel unconsciously ultimately won’t be affected by who you think you’re attracted to. Just see, think, and enjoy. You could even have a hook-up or relationship out of it, and still technically consider your beau outside of your sexual orientation (think “straight person in a queer relationship”). It happens.

You might reconsider your sexual orientation if you’ve thought about people outside your presumed sexual orientation fairly frequently for a long time, or you find that it is difficult to relate to your same-sex friends who talk about attractive people of the opposite gender…sit back and think about it a bit. Maybe go label-less for a while.

ex toys! Every person should try at least one. If you haven’t tried one yet, you might surprise yourself and find that that they’re really amazing. Even if you’re accustomed to dildos, vibrators, sleeves, or butt plugs, there are still other kinds of sex toys that have unique functions, are made out of a variety of materials, and come in many different shapes to potentially please you in many different ways.

Some general tips about sex toys for the unaccustomed—always clean your sex toys with soap and water after use, and especially before using it on someone else. Also, for easier use, it is best to use some lube with any toys that you penetrate or are penetrable. If the toy uses batteries, take out the batteries if you don’t use the toy often.

If you’re trying something new, it is best to buy an inexpensive version of the toy that has good ratings before spending more money on expensive toys. Though you can try out sex toys at sex shops, seeing that we’re in Hanover, it would be best to buy sex toys online for the best selection and value. Plus, on many online websites, there are discounts ranging from 10-50%, and sometimes even more, allowing you to buy more expensive sex toys! Just search “(store name) online coupons” for these discount coupon codes, or sign up for the online store newsletters.

Popular Websites and Stores

Adam and Eve $mdash; The online store equivalent of your average sex toy shop, minus sketchy, 30+ year old guys with bad pick-up lines. This place has a wide selection of sex toys. Not as many brand new sex toys that appeal to women, but still a wide selection of good women’s sex toys. Best part—the occasional 40-50% off coupons, allowing you to buy expensive toys for very cheap. No coupons are as consistently good as Adam and Eve’s, which is why this store is a favorite if it has what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for newer concepts/newer women’s sex toys, for now, check elsewhere.

Babeland $mdash; The quintessential, women-centric sex toy store. There are some products for men, but the store is predominantly for women and couples—a newer type of sex shop that’s becoming more mainstream these days. It has some of the best quality products, though is also kind of pricey. Still, worthwhile if you can afford it—and there are the occasional 10-20% off coupons. If you can, try to go to their store locations in New York, LA, or Seattle.

Good Vibrations $mdash; The main store first opened in San Francisco with the intention of being very open-minded. And they are—this sex shop is amazing. If you can visit their San Francisco or Boston locations in person, all of the store people are very helpful without being even close to your traditional, sketchy sex shop workers. Their store is welcoming to both men and women, which is unique with sex toy shops because most of them are either male or female-centric. It has some products similar to those at Babeland, though there are other products that would appeal more to men. In the same price range as Babeland.

Amazon.com $mdash; Yes, Amazon does sell sex toys. They’re sold primarily by outside merchants, sometimes for prices lower than most sex toy stores. It’s great especially if you can also apply inexpensive shipping rates.

Drugstore.com $mdash; Drugstore.com also has sex toys on their site. Not as wide of a selection as Amazon, but good to check out and compare, as sometimes their prices are better than other stores.

Eden Fantasies $mdash; Similar to Babeland in that it is a woman-centric sex shop. However, it is only online and there are a variety of sex toys that you don’t often see on websites aside from Babeland, including some very unique designs, concepts, and colors. But like Babeland, however, it is also a bit on the pricey end. Still, it’s worthwhile if you’re looking for something special. There are also sometimes coupons, but for the most part they’re no more than 10-20% off.

And now, onto the different types of sex toys, both traditional and cutting-edge:

Women

Now that sex toys are becoming more popular and mainstream with women, there are a bigger variety of sex toys and sex toy stores for women than in the days of yore of bad dildos and vibrators. Gone, also, are the awkward visits to male-oriented sex shops, where dirty looking men at the back counter hit on you or tell you corny jokes.

There are a variety of sex toys, and if you haven’t tried a sex toy before, two good options to start with are the bullet or the rabbit vibrator. Both of them can be inexpensive, and they’re excellent ways to sample sex toys.

The bullet is a small, egg-shaped toy that vibrates. It is generally used on and around the clitoris, but it can also be used inside the vagina. You can use it by yourself or with a partner. It’s easy to find decent quality bullets as inexpensive as $10. Most of them have one speed, but some more expensive ones have multiple speeds, are bigger than the $10 bullets, or have wireless remote controls for yourself or someone else to use. A drawback to some bullets is that their vibrations are very similar because it is such a small toy, so if you do not like the motorized aspect of bullets, there are few worthwhile options.

Another option is the ever-so-popular rabbit vibrator. Rabbit vibrators are great because they penetrate as well as stimulate the clitoris at the same time. The inexpensive ones are a bit more expensive (~$20+) than inexpensive bullets, but for all their benefits, it’s worthwhile for the extra few dollars, especially if you know you like the vibrations. Many of the rabbit vibrators are multispeed, some have rotating shafts, and they come in different colors, sizes, and shapes. If you want to try out the rabbit for the first time, it’s best to try more inexpensive options before buying more expensive vibrators. Even inexpensive vibrators have motors comparable to the more expensive options, so paying a higher price for vibrators is more for the type, speed, shape, and color, not the efficiency.

If you’re familiar with bullets and rabbit vibrators already, perhaps you’d like to try a SaSi, one of the luxury sex toy products on the market designed for women. Though it’s a hefty $148.00 at Babeland, the SaSi has many unique features. It has a unique shape in comparison to bullets and dildos—it does not penetrate, though it cups the vulva, with a rounded tip that is angled to stimulate the clitoris. It has a “rounded massage head…creating a soft kneading sensation that can be completely customized by adjusting movement type, speed, and vibration.” Plus, the SaSi can remember your favorite moves. Along with being handheld, rechargeable, and made of water-resistant silicone, the SaSi is a fun, unique, and convenient sex toy for women. It’s expensive, true, but if you want to splurge for something convenient and effective, a SaSi is a great sex toy to buy. Plus, the product and its packaging are pretty.

If you can’t fork out the money for q SaSi (and who can right now?), the Lelo is another option. It costs about $80, and is shaped similarly to SaSi, but it vibrates instead of creating a kneading sensation. Though the Lelo doesn’t remember your favorite moves, it has multiple speeds. A complaint from some people about the Lelo is that the vibrations are too light, but if you would like something different than vibrators or bullets and can’t afford a SaSi, the Lelo is still another good option. Along with the SaSi, the Lelo has the prettiest design and best packaging out of available sex toys

Beyond bullets, dildo-shaped vibrators, and some luxury sex toys that stimulate the vulva, there are many, many more sex toys on the market with varying different shapes, sizes, and materials. If you’ve already perused these toys, look into buying glass or stainless steel dildos. You can warm
them up or cool them down, some of them are interestingly shaped to stimulate the g-spot, and a lot of them have really nice designs.

Men

Yes, there are sex toys for men, too. For some cash, you can have something that works better than your hand. The main types of sex toys for men are ones that you can penetrate, and ones that penetrate your butt to stimulate your prostate (the male “g-spot”, or p-spot).

A popular penetration sex toy is the Fleshlight (or Fleshjack, which is like the Fleshlight but advertised towards gay men), a sleeve-type sex toy. The handle is shaped like a flashlight handle, and the surface comes in the shape of either a vagina, ass, mouth, or non-sexual tight slit (“Stealth”). The inside of the sleeve is available in six different textures such as original, super tight, super ribbed, and speed bump. You can order a customizable Fleshlight, allowing you to pick the orifice, orifice color, and inside texture. There are even Ice Fleshlights, clear versions of Fleshlights that come in a variety of textures and that can retain heat by after being soaked in warm water. Though Fleshlights are kind of pricey ($60—additional sleeves cost $40 each) they are a unique experience enjoyed by many men who use them.

Another popular sex toy is the Aneros, a massager that is uniquely shaped to stimulate the prostate. It runs for about $40, and is great for guys to try out anal play. The massager is shaped to stimulate the prostate, unlike many butt plugs and beads that are not shaped in the same way. Even if you can’t afford the Aneros right now, there are butt plugs available in many different sizes and made from varied materials such as jelly, silicone, stainless steel, and more. Inexpensive plugs run from $10+.

Regardless of if you’re a novice or experienced with sex toys, there’s something for you. With so many new sex toys that have recently come on the market, why not go and try out something different? It’s good for you to be good to yourself.

ome on Dartmouth, really? Quite a few of us hook up from time to time, and some of us hook up all the time. Others of us haven’t hooked up yet, or have chosen not to hook up at this moment, and that’s fine too. Though what I’m talking about now applies particularly to those of us who have hooked up—why the awkwardness? Why the prudishness? Why are we so closed up, even though our actions can be so very, very open?

We already hook up, yet we’re squeamish about looking at realistic dildos and putting condoms on them in public (if you can consider the Sexfest actually public). Yeah, the dildos were rather realistic, but frankly I’m surprised at some of the nervous responses to simply seeing a dildo. It’s pretty tame in comparison to what you see online or at sex toy shops.

Some of us (many are of the same, previously mentioned uncomfortable group) can’t bear to look at a black and white, linear illustration of a vagina. It wasn’t even a very realistic looking vagina—just something you’d find in a high school sex-ed class, but more accurately labeled, though everything else is pretty much the same.

If you don’t consider these things awkward, give yourself a pat on the back. You don’t fall under the category of most prudish people at Dartmouth when it comes to sex. Otherwise, please, heed my words.

There is nothing wrong or awkward about discussing penises, vaginas, or most things about sex. Really, I’m serious. In fact, under the right circumstances, it can be very insightful to talk about these things.

Now, I’m not suggesting talking to just anyone about sex, anytime; nor am I suggesting that we should all publicize our sex lives. And I don’t want to draw a line that applies to everyone about what’s okay and what’s not.

What I can say for certain is that many of us could stand to lighten up a bit. We should at least be comfortable with the topic of sex, male and female bodies, and especially our own bodies. We should also be knowledgeable about sex so we can make the safest, most comfortable, and most fun choices for ourselves and our partners. We shouldn’t hesitate to consult good friends or professionals about sex. If we can do these things, they will be to our own personal benefit.

When a good number of us feel uncomfortable looking at a dildo or just a picture of a vagina, we have a problem. You’re likely missing out on ideas and information that would make sex safer when you’re too embarrassed to talk about the topic. Yeah, safety might not be the coolest thing to consider, but being confident that you’re, say, using a condom correctly, or using a dental dam for oral sex (even though the name of it really sucks) feels great. Though it may have not happened to you yet, let me tell you—you feel really, REALLY shitty when you realize you’ve made a mistake you could have easily fixed. Yeah, there’s Plan B and medications, but that takes up a whole lot of money, stress, and time that you could have spent doing other things (like having more fun sex).

Also, step back and consider for a moment—these are our bodies we’re talking about! When it comes to learning about our bodies, it’s not very different from learning about our eyes, noses, or teeth, and learning how to use and care for them. From this perspective, feeling awkward about penises and vaginas is irrational.

This is especially true for vaginas—what is with people being so frightened of them, including some girls? It makes me sad every time I hear that some girl hasn’t looked at herself down there because of discomfort. Vaginas are a body part, and should be regarded as such. Honestly, there’s nothing very different about them, besides the fact that we don’t look down there very much, and the fact that we have attached this stigma to thinking about this female body part.

Plus, here’s the best part you uncomfortable people are missing out on—having more fun! When you’re uncomfortable about sex, you probably don’t learn as much about it or what you can do with your body. Thus, you may be fairly limited to drunken hook-ups (sex, blow jobs), and not too much beyond that scope. I mean, those are pretty fun too, but how do they stand in comparison to all the other things you can do along with your usual sex and blow jobs (drunk or sober)? There are so many possibilities including, but not limited to, sex in more erotic positions, eating out, anal play, nipples, BDSM, food—need I go on? There are tons of possibilities that you can explore if you settle down and approach them with an open mind.

So, to my awkward Dartmouth friends: go and learn more about sex. Get comfortable with the idea of it, and if you haven’t already, get comfortable with your bodies. There’s a wild sex world out there, and when you’re ready for it, you can dive in and explore safely and joyously.

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