Vajazzling. [vuh-jaz-ling]— the art of applying hundreds of Swarovski crystals to the area immediately around a woman’s vulva. It’s a new, invisible fashion fad conceived by Completely Bare Spa in New York City, and it’s gaining ground among top celebrities—most notably Jennifer Love Hewitt. Hewitt described her experience with the trend on Lopez Tonight, where she said vajazzling was “great” and helped her get over an unpleasant break-up.
Vajazzling is a simple process. You go to one of Completely Bare’s spas, get your long, curly pubes removed by way of bikini wax, have one of their specialized technicians superglue a bunch of sparkly rhinestones to your pussy, and voilà! Your unattractive twat shines like a disco ball from 1976! In fact, it’s so simple that you can even do it at home. Completely Bare Spa sells vajazzling kits online, so no need to travel all the way to New York to get your pussy BeDazzled!
Now I may be old-fashioned, but in the olden days, vaginas looked like vaginas, not gaudy jewelry. Don’t get me wrong; I’m all for a woman’s right to what goes in, out, and on her body (vaginal flatulence excluded). But extravagant though it may be, vajazzling is just another way to demean women and tell them their beavers and mud flaps are hideous. It’s a slap in the face to the body acceptance movement.
Where are the true vagina lovers out there, the muff-divers who don’t require overpriced crystals to lick pussy? Surely not at that spa, purchasing over-the-top Austrian bling-bling for their hairy beavers.
Completely Bare as of yet doesn’t sell crystallized tattoos for penises, and I’ll admit that the idea of shimmering scrotums isn’t as attractive as glittering vaginas.
But in a world where you can put tacky jewels on just about anything, why not? Why stop with genitals? You can bedazzle your dog, your boring professor, even the Venus de Milo!
The point being, ladies: your fur pie is beautiful and you don’t need tawdry embellishments to make it, or anything else, attractive. You don’t need to vajazzle like J. Love to feel good. A nice, thick dildo will suffice.
