It all started with Count Dracula, a supernatural sharp-fanged, blood-sucking, humanoid predator, who simultaneously frightened and titillated the masses.

Although neither Vlad the Impaler, nor the original Count Dracula from early films was terribly appealing, over time vampires have certainly undergone an intense transformation. Long gone is the bald, corpse-like and sexually impotent Count Dracula of film, and in his place stands a host of virile young hotties, sure to cause many a romantic and sexual fantasy. Personally I’ve never really had much of an interest in vampires. I can’t seem to get over the dead thing, even if it’s moving while it’s dead, it’s still necrophilia. Give me a hot blooded, brawny, beast of a man and you’ve got me hooked. Regardless of what side of the vampire versus werewolf divide you are on, I think we can all agree that the current obsession in the young adult fiction market with the supernatural character of the vampire has gotten out of control. I am not against new ideas, but glittering vampires? Seriously, I don’t think I am the only vampire fan confused by the new sexually repressed, glittering vampire of today.

The vampire is an explicitly sexual creature that has been haunting the female psyche for generations. Who hasn’t had a steamy sexual fantasy involving a good ‘ole tumble with a bit of supernatural beefcake? The lure of the forbidden is certainly something human beings have never been able to resist. However, I think of all of the odd sex-related things I have seen in my short lifespan, the new so-called Twilight dildo is by far the least appealing. Even the lure of the forbidden isn’t enough to tempt me to get a taste of frost-bitten crotch. Frost-bitten crotch, how might you ask does one get frostbite in such an odd area? Well if you happen to be one of the legions of the vampire-obsessed who really has a thing for the living dead, perhaps the slightly shimmery alabaster dildo named the Vamp that is being produced by Tantus is just the thing for you. Although it may look like your ordinary dildo, being very phallic in shape, according to Tantus you can just “Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.” Did I neglect to mention that it sparkles? If the authentic experience of a vampire’s cold, dead penis was not enough, perhaps that little bit of sparkle is a bonus feature that will have you wet and wanting more. Mmhmm ice in my snatch.