’ll bet that there are actually a lot more queers than we think on campus. Sure, some of them are out, but what about the ones in the closet, or the ones questioning their sexuality? Like pretty much any place in the U.S., Dartmouth probably has quite a few students who have or are questioning their sexuality. Sometimes they’re in this position for various reasons, but often background, age, gender, or upbringing discourages them from being more honestly open about exploring their sexuality. For the questioners and others who are curious, this article’s for you.
To the questioners out there, you’re probably wondering whether to come out, whether you’re ready to come out, or hell, if you even need to “come out.” You’ve probably obsessed over this question, and perhaps you may have obsessed over the question of who you actually like at all. Guys or girls? Guys and girls? Transmen? Transwomen?
Let’s say you’re attracted to one or more sex that’s not officially part of your self-declared/self-prescribed sexual orientation, but you may be reluctant to incorporate that into your sexual orientation, as your reputation may go down the tube. Worse yet, if you hook up with guys and girls and flip flop with your self-declared sexual orientation, you might be labeled as that “really confused kid” at best, or that “nympho with multiple unheard of STDs” at worst. Not that there’s actually anything wrong with nymphos, but that’s not exactly the label you deserve—especially when you need to feel comfortable exploring your sexuality.
Questioning is a bitch. Worrying about other people’s judgments is even more of a bitch though. You know what? Fuck reputation. If you’re single/not monogamous, you should hook up with that cute guy you met from your geography class, and then, if you want to, hook up with that girl you met at Panarchy last week (if you haven’t already, perhaps discreetly). If you really wanted to, you could hook up with them for shits and giggles even if you’re not attracted to them, if the other person feels similarly (the drama from it sucks otherwise).
Might you still be wondering what your sexual orientation is? Perhaps. However, hooking up with people because you’re interested in them is the best way to get a sense of your sexual orientation. The best part of doing this will be if you’re able to simply let go of pegging yourself to any sexual orientation, and hook up with people according to whether you like them, not whether they’re a certain sex or gender. You’re not actually flip-flopping, because what are you flip-flopping over? When you’re questioning your sexuality, or even if you might not be, freeing yourself of the obligations of sexual orientation allows you to consider someone attractive who normally wouldn’t be in your group of “people I could potentially tap”.
Sexual orientation labels only create categories that we are compelled to abide by, and make us feel guilty or embarrassed when we stray from them. People constantly judge and create labels for us already, so there is no reason to create any labels to reinforce those judgments or to confine ourselves, especially if we are unsure, and especially if it is about matters pertaining to sexuality.
If you’re not buying this whole “label-less” argument and need to declare some sort of label for yourself, consider your sexuality in a different way. Or maybe you feel that your reputation would be tarnished if you started dating outside your self-declared/self-prescribed sexual orientation. For the former argument, being temporarily label-less allows yourself to explore your sexuality without boundaries, which eventually leads you to a concrete sexual orientation. If you want an exact sexual orientation right now, well, you’re just impatient. Stop being impatient. You’ll get a better idea of it soon.
If you’re worried about your reputation, keep in mind that more and more areas of the United States are becoming more accepting of LGBT. Dartmouth, for one, is now fairly open to LGBT. It’s not the 80s here, after all, when our lovely Dartmouth ‘81 Dinesh D’Souza was outing gay students in a hostile environment. Really, to most people, not being straight doesn’t change their perception of you. If you have plans to be in a conservative part of the U.S. though, I sympathize. It’d still be hard to even so much as wave a rainbow flag in some places. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t stop what you do in the bedroom. If you strongly feel attracted to someone, in most places there are ways to pursue your interests without receiving backlash from the community.
The most important aspect of coming out is that more likely than not, most of your friends will support you. To them you’re a friend, not a queer. Others in the community who also know you will support you too, and some people who were previously hesitant about queers may change their perceptions when they know that you are queer. In changing people’s perceptions of LGBT, the more people who are openly queer, the better.
The last thing I’d like to mention is this: just because you’re a guy attracted to a man or two doesn’t make you gay or bisexual, and the same applies for women attracted to other women. It’s not something that’s talked about frequently, but every once in a while you’re attracted to someone outside of your presumed sexual orientation, and that’s okay. There’s no need to necessarily break down your own sexual orientation because of that, or feel guilty or weird about it. It’d be crazy if your brain were wired so that you were attracted to only one gender—what you think and feel unconsciously ultimately won’t be affected by who you think you’re attracted to. Just see, think, and enjoy. You could even have a hook-up or relationship out of it, and still technically consider your beau outside of your sexual orientation (think “straight person in a queer relationship”). It happens.
You might reconsider your sexual orientation if you’ve thought about people outside your presumed sexual orientation fairly frequently for a long time, or you find that it is difficult to relate to your same-sex friends who talk about attractive people of the opposite gender…sit back and think about it a bit. Maybe go label-less for a while.
