ow Do You Say “Irony” in Kirghiz?
Reuters reports that Bishkek, the capitol of Kyrgyzstan, suffered a major blackout last week when high-voltage lines were damaged by gunfire. A group of drunken hunters were apparently using the ceramic insulators on the lines for target practice. The blackout, which cut off power to about a third of Bishkek’s population, disrupted a major conference on alcohol abuse.
International media sources have not determined whether the hunters’ actions were part of Kyrgystan’s popular 12-gauge program for alcoholics.
Straight out of Exodus
The mother of convicted murderer and previous escapee Joshua Bagwell was caught trying to smuggle hacksaw blades to her son. Tawana Smith, who was also her son’s attorney, hid the blades in the spine of a Bible that she left with her son during a visit. Smith was arrested shortly after leaving the prison, and a subsequent search of her pickup truck uncovered several assault rifles.
Bagwell reportedly explained, “My momma always said, ‘The truth will set you free. But if it doesn’t, try a hacksaw.’”
And I’ll Fight Anyone Who Says Otherwise!
Who has “done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations” this year? George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair, of course, according to Harald Tom Nesvik, the Norwegian parliament member who nominated the pair for the Nobel Peace Prize. According to Nesvik, Bush and Blair, by taking “decisive action against terrorism, something I believe in the future will be the greatest threat to peace,” are true peacemakers.
Nesvik was also adamant in supporting his nomination of Danielle Steel for the Nobel Prize for Literature.
A Speech That Will Live in Infamy
If there is one thing that defines a good speaker, it is his or her ability to draw upon historical fact to evoke emotions in the audience and give authority to arguments. Fortunately for Americans, we are blessed with a leader who makes ample use of his historical knowledge. In a recent speech, President Bush noted, “My trip to Asia begins here in Japan for an important reason. It begins here because for a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times. From that alliance has come an era of peace in the Pacific.”
The “era of peace” apparently lasted from‘52 to the present, with a brief intermission for a surprise attack, a major naval war, and the dropping of two atomic bombs. Hey, that sounds a little like our era of peace with Osama bin Laden!
Watch Your Back, Mr. Cheney!
When browsing in a souvenir shop, Secret Service agents assigned to protect Dick Cheney during the Olympics accidentally left a detailed plan regarding the security and whereabouts of the Vice President during his appearance at the closing ceremonies. Storeowner Clayton Greenhalgh said that he found the paper, which revealed where Cheney would be throughout the night, as well as the postings of agents, after two agents had left with $11 commemorative hats. Upon returning the plan to Secret Service Headquarters, he requested a signed photograph of Cheney. Despite his massive contribution to the safety of the Vice President, though, Greenhalgh was denied his request.
Bush Administration officials said Greenhalgh’s actions did not merit a reward, as his “heroics” did not result in any civilian casualties.
Safe Sex at the Games
At the recent Salt Lake City Olympics, various medical organizations created a program to hand out free condoms to participants and spectators. With a stated purpose of encouraging safe sexual practices, “SafeGames 2002” handed out packets with the condoms that included lip balm and hand warmers (go figure). Early in the games, though, the Red Cross, one of the program’s initial sponsors, unexpectedly removed its support for SafeGames. The organization apparently “pulled out” of its sponsorship duties under pressure from conservative groups.
SafeGames supporters initially assumed that the pressure on the Red Cross came from religious fundamentalists, but the conservative activists insist that they were merely excited at the prospect of children with Olympian parents, “Because really, doesn’t America need more curlers?”
Who Knows? The Shadow Knows
The Bush administration has recently revealed that a “shadow government” has been set up in an undisclosed, fortified location outside of Washington, D.C. If the chain of command is disrupted by an attack, Dick Cheney and members of the Cabinet are ready to spring into action, ensuring that the country continues to function in the same flawless order as it does today.
In unrelated news, the Pentagon has reportedly requested $2.6 billion for black capes, utility belts and a signaling spotlight fitted with the image of an oil derrick. House Democrats are expected to protest the $3.9 million allocated for facemasks with pointy ears.
The Natives Are Restless
On a recent visit to Queensland, Australia, Prince Philip, the Duke of Edinburgh, caused an uproar when he reportedly asked Aborigines performing at a cultural park, “Do you still throw spears at each other?” Prince Philip first became infamous for his lack of tact after a ’86 incident in which he told British exchange students in China, “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.” On the Prince’s most recent gaffe, park owner William Brim commented, “I found it amusing, but I was rather surprised.”
Such insensitive comments should come as a surprise to observers. After all, the British people, and particularly members of the royal family, have been noted throughout history for their sensitive handling of both the Chinese and the indigenous peoples of Australia.w
