Mother Nature 1-George W. Bush 0

On the same day that a massive earthquake rocked the Seattle, Washington area, Mr. Bush was busy doing his own damage in the other Washington. Among various budget items Bush wants to destroy to reduce spending on programs that help non-millionaires is a $25 million federal program that helps communities protect against natural disasters. "Project Impact" might have helped Seattle take greater precautions against earthquakes, which would have reduced the subsequent damage costs. Apparently the earth’s magma crust does have a sense of humor.

To Be Or Not To Be…Crack?

Newly discovered archeological evidence suggests William Shakespeare may have had an extra special kind of muse when he wrote his classical works. Clay pipe fragments found in the Stratford-upon-Avon house where Shakespeare lived while writing his plays and sonnets showed traces of cocaine and myristic acid, a strong hallucinogen. Prior to this discovery, the earliest known cocaine use in Europe was in the 1790’s, when it was first thought to have been imported from South America. Shakespeare’s coke smoking was quite ahead of its time. Cannabis sativa, the plant that marijuana is derived from, may have also been a source for Shakespeare’s creativity.

The natural conclusion from this finding is that smoking pot may help you "write like Bill Shakespeare," but some scientists are skeptical.

Dirty Old Class Council

In an unsigned February 27 blitz survey sent to the entire ‘01 class, the Class Council urged seniors to express their "candid" opinions on the administration’s decision to lock the dorms’ doors. But the author of the blitz did not leave any doubt about his opinion when he wrote, "[The administrators] apparently don’t give a shit what we think, but maybe they’ll take some of your thoughts into considerationÖ. Dirty limericks are encouraged." It seems doubtful that "There once was a man from NantucketÖ" would really sway the administration’s decision, but maybe the ‘01 Class Council knows something we do not.

Incidentally, the Free Press is adamantly opposed to biased surveys that express thinly veiled political statements.

Like Father, Like Daughter

George W. Bush was famed for his entertaining fraternity antics while earning his gentlemen’s Cs at Yale. Perhaps that love of partying is genetic. Bush’s daughter, Jenna Bush was photographed attending a Texas Christian University fraternity party that was raided by police. Although Ms. Bush and her secret service escorts were not arrested, it is unclear whether the’-year old was engaging in under-age drinking at the time. Several other students, including TCU freshman William Ashe Bridges, were arrested for alcohol possession. Bridges, who claimed he was Jenna’s boyfriend, allegedly gave her a call from jail the next day.

The White House could not comment about whether Jenna was "totally wasted," or "just smashed dubya style."

The Other Racist Mascot

Only slightly more famous than the racist Dartmouth Indian, the Redskins, Washington, D.C.’s football team, has led some angry citizens to call for change. Richard Regan, a member of the Maryland Commission on Indian Affairs, has called for the team to drop the offending symbol in favor of something that does not mock genocide and denigrate minorities. Mr. Regan has not limited his efforts to multi-million dollar franchises however. He also wants Maryland schools to drop their Indian-themed mascots, which include teams like the Warriors, Indians, Braves and Redskins. The owner of the Redskins, Daniel M. Snyder, said he doesn’t understand Regan’s objections. "[The name] signifies pride and respect," Swanson said.

Swanson went on to say that if Regan kept up his campaign, they would "scalp ‘em." However, Mr. Swanson is not now, and has never been, a member of the Psi Upsilon fraternity.

Fair and Balanced

Anyone who thinks the Fox News Channel is simply a bastion of conservatism needs to rethink his or her theory. On March 4, Tony Snow interviewed Democratic Senator and former Ku Klux Klan member, Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV) and asked Byrd to discuss race relations. Part of his response was, "My old mom told me, ‘Robert, you can’t go to heaven if you hate anybody.’ We practice that. There are white niggers. I’ve seen a lot of white niggers in my time; I’m going to use that word." Byrd later apologized for his comments, saying, "In my attempt to articulate strongly held feelings, I may have offended people that I never intended to offend." Here is a news update for the Fox News Channel; even people that are former members of the KKK may have lingering attitudes that are racist.

Fox News Commentator David Duke said he though Byrd’s comments were fair and balanced.

Save Your Skins

Modern medicine may have to rethink its notions of which parts of a male baby should be discarded. William Stowell recently filed a civil suit against Good Samaritan Hospital, claiming that the circumcision they performed on him at birth had deprived him and his future bedmates of the "pleasure of natural, normal sexual intercourse." And, since his mother was under the influence of heavy drugs at the time she signed the consent form, she cannot be held legally responsible for the decision. Stowell’s lawyer, David Llewelyn has won a number of "wrongful circumcision" cases. As recently as ’95 he won a client $65,000 for similar circumstances.

Former Presidential candidate Robert Dole, who suffered problems similar to Stowell’s, suggested Stowell save his legal fees and buy, "some serious amounts of Viagra."

Spy vs. Spy

Back in the good old Cold War days, the Reagan administration made a big deal out of its discovery that Soviet agents had placed KGB listening devices in and around the American embassy in Moscow.

It turns out that their outrage may have been slightly hypocritical. Around the same time the Reagan officials were trying to red-face the Reds, they were digging their own espionage center, in a tunnel directly beneath the Soviet embassy in Washington. The tunnel was not used for very much, although alleged Soviet spy and FBI agent, Robert Philip Hanssen, who was recently apprehended, apparently betrayed its existence.

With all this tunnel building and spying, it is a wonder Reagan’s administration ever had time to cover up Iran Contra.